I’ve been struggling a bit with the blog lately.

I decided to re-read some of my posts from the last year or so, and I noticed that my writing has been lacking in certain areas. In particular, I think I could do a better job with VTubers, and that what I write can sound a bit too uncritical. There’s nothing inherently wrong with saying “I liked this,” but it’s not being executed well.

A few months ago, Youtuber Dan Olsen released a new video essay called “I Don’t Know James Rolfe.” It’s difficult to describe succinctly, but it’s essentially a look at how Rolfe, aka the Angry Video Game Nerd, occupies a position where people project onto him their desires for what a veteran internet celebrity should be. The essay is also introspective, as Olsen struggles with the fact that Rolfe the creator seems to be both an ingenious pioneer of online media and someone whose knowledge of the filmmaking process is a little half-baked, only for Olsen to point the lens at himself and reveal his own insecurities about not being a “real filmmaker either.”

I watched AVGN almost from the start. I remember visiting the Cinemassacre site over the more unreliable YouTube of the late 2000s. One of my most popular posts ever was finding a reference cameo of him in an anime. For years, I kept up with every release and update, so I am very familiar with the character. But the video is less about the biography of Rolfe and more designed for the viewer to bring themselves into it. And in this instance, I had my baggage in tow: my concerns over where I am as a writer, the difficulty of writing about creative people in a world increasingly full of extreme opinions, and a growing concern for media literacy. As a blogger for over 16 years now, I feel a connection to Olsen and Rolfe as creators, but also to Olsen and Rolfe’s followers as commentators.

To put it differently, I realized that I’m walking on eggshells a bit when it comes to VTuber commentary, and it’s because, like Rolfe, their fans and anti-fans can be rather intense. You go from effusive praise to just toxic hatred that veers into both misogyny and misanthropy via bizarre conspiracy theories. If I want to do a comparison or say something came across as weaker than I expected, I don’t want to give ammo to the caustic haters even if it only amounts to a single tossed pebble (and not the fun Biboo kind) in the grand scheme of things. The parasocial aspect is even stronger with VTubers, and it can be worrying, even if I think there are lot of positive aspects to that community.

Adding to all that is a constant worry that I’m stagnating as a writer, that I overly rely on the same basic structures and phrases. I definitely think I’ve improved in some respects over the years, but I’ve never dedicated myself to improving this as a craft, and I think it shows. And because VTubers are such a new topic, I feel myself under-equipped to discuss them, especially compared with how much I’ve dedicated my time to anime and manga. 

I think I just want a space where discussion of VTubers (or any other topic) can be somewhere in the middle between the two extremes of obsessive love and all-consuming hate.