Hololive’s Gawr Gura, the world’s most subscribed VTuber, recently released one last project before her departure from her agency: a music video for an original song titled “Ash Again.” It’s a powerful work that Gura described as essentially baring a piece of her soul to the world.
Since then, I’ve found myself playing it over and over again. I dwell on its haunting tone and lyrics, to the extent that I even woke up one morning with its words in my head. “And they all say, tear it down, burn it down.” And as I’ve listened, I’ve also come to a conclusion: “Ash Again” is art in the truest sense.
I generally have a very lenient definition of “art,” and don’t need things to be deep or abstract or be worthy of a museum or even a refrigerator door; expression creates art. That said, I think VTuber music exists in a space where lots of elements mingle. There’s the influence from Japan’s idol culture. There’s the clear overlap with Vocaloid culture, including the fact that many VTubers (including Gura) often cover Vocaloid songs or have Vocaloid producers make new songs for them. There’s the fact that VTubing is a space where one person might perform as a way of emulating the glitz and glamour of a professional or as a present to their fans, while another person releases critical hits on a regular basis. Deeply personal and melancholy songs can come from a dedicated musician or even someone who is much less musically inclined.
It’s therefore not fair to judge all VTuber music by one standard, but it also means that a lot of VTuber music isn’t aiming to communicate complicated emotions like the ones found in “Ash Again.” The song conveys a pain so specific to Gura that, while likely relatable to many people on some level, could not have been made by anyone else.
For me, what is made crystal clear by this song is that Gura has often been in a dark place these past five years, and that she has both gained and lost a great deal. The opening lyrics talk about how she’s always being told that the memory of her is fading, and that she’s heard it all before. The music video shows her trapped in an enclosed, barren room as she struggles and lashes out while trying to create. It seems to say that there has been a crushing mixture of internal and external pressure on Gura, yet the fact that the outside forces are never explicitly identified makes me wonder what she has witnessed and experienced.
I’ve seen the negative comments towards Gura: the ones filled with venom from trolls who acted like her absences were grave sins against their very existence, the ones that accuse her of being lazy and ungrateful, and the ones that try to argue that her success was all a matter of lucky timing due to the COVID-19 pandemic. However, the line “Don’t tell me everyone around is waiting” might also imply that the fans who were trying to be supportive with the best of intentions inadvertently added to her anxiety. The words could even be interpreted as coming from hololive itself, as many talents from the company have said that there’s a lot more to working for them than just jumping in front of a screen and streaming. This ambiguity opens it up to a lot of readings, but it also gives this sense of an amorphous demon of the mind.
The music video features two versions of Gura fighting each other. One of them wears what I see as an Atlantean outfit, while the other is in her familiar and iconic hoodie. The former looks beaten down and fed up, while the latter is concerned but still possessing light in her eyes. I see the former as not just representative of her negative emotions, but also her past self before she became “Gawr Gura”—the person who was once blessed and cursed with a different form of success, and who she might return to being when she leaves hololive. I think the fear expressed by the hooded Gura is the notion that this figure we’ve all seen these past five years is fleeting and that her “true” and troubled self is what will remain.
But then, as she sinks deep into the ocean naked, the lyrics give a sense of a girl who’s slowly realizing that what she’s accomplished is as much a reflection of herself, and that her accolades are anything but empty. “No more hands upon my words, they only speak for me” seems to imply that she’s felt the need to keep quiet about some things until now. Then comes my favorite lines of the entire song: “For all the ones who try to silence thunder, I’m the wave that pulls you down and under.” It’s as if this is the moment that she realizes how strong she really is, and that she’s bigger than the voices trying to hold her back or drag her down.
This is followed by silhouettes of all her genmates in hololive English’s Myth supporting her and bringing her back to the surface, and crucially, this includes Gura helping Gura herself. When the hoodie Gura re-emerges from the sea, she’s able to overwhelm and defeat her other self, who is shown to be more frightened and tired than bitter and angry. In contrast to her violent rejection at the beginning of the video, Atlantean Gura then moves to embrace hololive Gura, and the two seemingly become one. Now solely in her Atlantean form, she makes her way to a door and opens it to leave. I interpret this as Gura finally accepting that who she’s been in hololive is as much her true self as anything that came before, and that she realized this with help from her friends in hololive.
It’s very possible that all of what I wrote is me projecting onto Gura what I want to see, and that it’s just another example of parasocial behavior. At the same time, it’s undeniable that what “Ash Again” conveys is not the same as the other final songs from graduated talents. While it does express sadness and gratitude, the primary feeling is not one of nostalgia, but one of fighting inner demons—or as Gura would put it, brain worms.
I ultimately was compelled to write about “Ash Again” for a couple of reasons, despite having just posted my tribute to Gura days earlier. First, the song simply struck a chord with me on a very deep and resonant level, and I didn’t want to leave these feelings undefined. Second, amidst all the negativity that can persist in a space like VTubing, I’ve been wanting to more concretely praise the people who have decided to challenge this vast frontier, and who have inspired me in their own ways. After seeing all these graduation, hiatuses, and even sometimes tragedies, I want the people behind these VTubers to know that they’re appreciated.
OGIUE MANIAX 